shidsterlove ; letters to you

aftermath | November 3, 2011

a thousand words.. no scratch that.. a million words cannot express what i am feeling now.
being stabbed physically repeatedly does not compare to thehurt from the words that were said.
the pain is searing through my heart, and its hard to breathe, choking even. though i’m trying not to remember, but the words are simply replaying in my head, and each time it playback the pain increases ten fold. to hear that from you, the one person i really put on the pedestal for, the one person i cherish the most, it kills me. each time. the words kill me, i die each time i hear you say it in my head. you asked whether i tell her i love her everyday, i tell you its not the same, and i mean it. i love you more than her.. i love you the most. you. it’s only you. how could you even compare the two? its a different kind of love, and i am telling you now, i love you. i love you unlike any other person i ever did. i love you so much that it hurts, it hurts when i hear you say that. it hurts to know you think that. how could you? how could you? i cant breathe just thinking of it. i’m holding back tears in my waking moments and its bad. why do you even think that? dont i means as much to you as you do to me? dont you know that to know that you actually think that makes me wonder whether all of this is true? it hurts so much, why does it hurt so much? dont you know, dont you know how much you mean to me? dont you know me by now? you say it’s always been me, me, me.. but dont you know to me it’s only been you you you. everything i am doing, i am doing for you. whatever i am doing its only for you. i only think of you. i only have you. right here, right here in my heart, it’s only you. how can you say we think differently? i have never thought of you like that… it never crossed my mind. never have such thought occured to me. every part of me, every part of my life i want to share with you. hearing you say that makes me think that you think otherwise. you want your space, yes i understand, but i want to be a part of your life, your everyday life. it seems we’re fighting alot now.. but dont you hear me when we’re fighting, dont you know what i’m asking? yeah, i cause you a lot of trouble. yeah, i make you do things that you dont like. yeah, i make your life miserable. yeah, i am all of that. but all i am asking for is for some reciprocity. is that too much to ask for? oh, the hurt, the pain. when i asked you, what if she never approves, you told me that hey you’re gonna quit me and find another girl to marry. how could you give me up so easily? i felt like dying then too. and now this? you tell me this? how could you even think that? i gave you every part of me, no secrets, no stone left unturned, and you tell me that.. dont you realise that saying that just tore my heart into tiny pieces. that word, that dreadful word is really, really like a knife through the heart, stabbing me, killing me, over and over again. and how am i suppose to just ignore that? this wound can never close. you really hurt me this time. it’s really too much. you say we are two different people, we love differently. yes we are different, yes we love differently, but if you really do love me, you wouldnt be tired of seeing my fface right? how could you even think that you will? what does that say of us? what does that say of you? does it mean youre love for me is dying?

you killed me with those words.
i dont think i can get past this, this wound that you give me, this blow to my heart, i dont know whether it will ever close, and be cured.
words that have been said, cannot be undone.