you know what extreme boredom does to you?
it makes you think, it makes you reminisce, it makes you go places in your memory that you dont want to go, it makes you remember, and its like playing a game of tug of war with your emotions.
so, i revisited my past, circa 2007-2010.. right before all of this started.
i didnt have to press the rewind and play button, but i did.
and i saw myself, a few years ago, all smiling, all happy, unaware of what was going to hit me, worrying about the silliest of things, and more accomodating than i am now, i was nice, i was super nice, and i could never say a mean word to anyone, about anyone. I was that geek in the corner, the one you would say “what is that girl wearing?” “what is she trying to do to herself?” “oh she’s never going to get anyone, find anyone!” yep, i was that girl, i was fresh meat and the predators are ready to just grab me and run.
i remember the first boy i was really interested in, and i was only 16 turning 17. this was the first boy that i actually liked, without having anyone coercing me into liking this boy, liking that boy, or “pushing” me to like this boy and like that boy, or else we wont be friends with you. at that point of time though, i knew better than to open up my mouth and say something. even back then (and even now), i knew how to keep things cool and casual. i was the epitome of cool and casual. as it is, i usually hang out with the guys, and the boy i liked, well he was constantly hanging out with them (which was a plus point because i get to see him often) and i was able to casually strike up a conversation. you must remember though, i was clueless, and till now i still can get quite clueless. so there were certain parts of the conversation that i didnt understand or i misconstrued what he meant, or i just couldnt catch the double entendre, but i played it smooth and acted as if i knew what he meant. so it started of as friendship and pretty soon, smoothly like as though the transition never occurred, it became us going out. i should have suspected something when he said to keep it a secret for now.. i just thought it would be weird because we have the same friends. so, since we went to the same school as well, we often met up for smoke breaks. i would grab any chance or opportunity i had. eventually, it all ended as quickly as it started, and because i played it too cool, i never had the chance to tell him how much i really liked him. (hey! i cried for three days and three nights!)
but you see, ever so often, this man would pop back up into my life, as though nothing happened, as though he never left and we would enjoy each other’s company. i was honest with him, he was honest with me, but we each would be with someone else at that point of time. and this popping back into my life would be so sudden, yet it feels so.. normal. but as sudden as he re-enters my life, as quickly he disappears. weird, huh? but whenever he appears he gives me butterflies in my stomach. i’ve analysed it, thoroughly, many times over i may add, and i attribute this butterfly fluttering to the fact that there never was closure. i mean, we happened and we ended. there was a beginning but there wasnt really an end. and i guess that’s why there’ll be fluttering.. plus he was the one that got away. i had my chance, but i didnt act on it.
and the most weird part is, he always know how to find me, irregardless of the fact that i changed numbers, somehow, somewhat he could always find me. it is so weird.
i’m not saying that i am in love with this man.. no no no.. just some fascination for the kind of relationship that i have with this man. is he my friend? well he cant be, cause i havent heard from him for a long time.. is he an ex? well, we never officially together. so what is he? i believe also that this fascination with my relationship with him was because he was the first boy that i really liked.. and a girl never forgets her first. =)
well, i know this for sure though, that one day when he pops back into my life, i’m gonna get some closure, i’m gonna tell him that i used to like him alot, and i want to put all that fleeting emotions to rest. that is, if, i ever see him again.
but for now, for now i’m gonna be enjoying that fleeting fluttering butterflies for abit, because it makes me feel 17 all over again.. because i could laugh at my foolishness then, of the little lies i would believe and the little lies i made.. how naive i was then, and how clueless i could be then. i’ve come a long way since then, i’ve changed, relationshipwise, physically, emotionally, intellectually, i’m not quite sure i’ve matured though, but it’s these memories, these feelings that i have, they make me remember where i had actually came from.
they made me remember the journey i made towards you, <3hairus.
xoxo,Shid.
time check: 5.50pm (please ignore the time set on my wordpress, its inaccurate, and the truth is i’m too lazy/i dunno how to change it)
it all starts with a whole lot of sleeping in, and snoozing back to sleep once the brain starts to register that it is a sunday. then it leads to a huge heavy breakfast/brunch, and massive pigging out on your nice comfy bed. your laptop right beside you, already downloading the next season to the cosby show. you know you should get up, shower, or at least put on some underwear, but you cant. its that, or you just dont want to. you know you should get up, and get out of the house for some fresh air, or at least wash the dirty dishes from the morning’s brunch. you look at the time, its already three, you groan because you know you have an appointment at 4pm. but like magic (or rather a disease that is airborne), your client texts you saying something was up and he cant make it. instead of groaning at the fact that you have to reschedule again, you smile and become deliriously happy that you dont have to get up and shower. and thus promptly, you fall right back to sleep, taking a nap.
you wake up to find that cosby is throwing snowballs at little kids, your mom is nagging at you to get up and shower, and then you fall back to napping again. then you awake again to find that it’s only been 20 mins since you last woke up been a few minutes since you last napped even though you felt its been hours. you cant sleep again, you are running out of things to do whilst on your bed, your island. you decide to check your mails, you decide to log onto facebook, you decide to download more movies, but you simply would not get up from bed.
but you’re getting seriously bored, and you’re looking at the time and its beginning to dawn at you that you’re just wasting the day away, but what could you do? you’re at the mercy of sunday laziness, your boyfriend is away at work, and your girlfriend is probably busy with her boyfriend and you know if you arrange for a meet up with the girlfriend, the girlfriend’s boyfriend will definitely come along and you’re not in the mood to meet him because of reasons you cant state here (perhaps another time) and you’re getting annoyed with yourself, and you seriously wish ten thirty pm would come soon so you can go out, but by then you’d know the same questions would be asked like “where do you want to go?” “what are we going to do there?” blah blah blah, and you’re suddenly missing spontaneity!
so what do you do?
you take the bottle of wine you stashed in your closet, pour it full in a glass, you take a bowl of ice-cream, and since not much is left you pour the wine over that too, you lock the door, hoping that your mother doesnt find any reaason to come into your room, and you watch yogi bear, and cross your fingers by the time yogi bear and the wine finishes, you would be able to sure as hell find something better to do.
