you know what extreme boredom does to you?
it makes you think, it makes you reminisce, it makes you go places in your memory that you dont want to go, it makes you remember, and its like playing a game of tug of war with your emotions.
so, i revisited my past, circa 2007-2010.. right before all of this started.
i didnt have to press the rewind and play button, but i did.
and i saw myself, a few years ago, all smiling, all happy, unaware of what was going to hit me, worrying about the silliest of things, and more accomodating than i am now, i was nice, i was super nice, and i could never say a mean word to anyone, about anyone. I was that geek in the corner, the one you would say “what is that girl wearing?” “what is she trying to do to herself?” “oh she’s never going to get anyone, find anyone!” yep, i was that girl, i was fresh meat and the predators are ready to just grab me and run.
i remember the first boy i was really interested in, and i was only 16 turning 17. this was the first boy that i actually liked, without having anyone coercing me into liking this boy, liking that boy, or “pushing” me to like this boy and like that boy, or else we wont be friends with you. at that point of time though, i knew better than to open up my mouth and say something. even back then (and even now), i knew how to keep things cool and casual. i was the epitome of cool and casual. as it is, i usually hang out with the guys, and the boy i liked, well he was constantly hanging out with them (which was a plus point because i get to see him often) and i was able to casually strike up a conversation. you must remember though, i was clueless, and till now i still can get quite clueless. so there were certain parts of the conversation that i didnt understand or i misconstrued what he meant, or i just couldnt catch the double entendre, but i played it smooth and acted as if i knew what he meant. so it started of as friendship and pretty soon, smoothly like as though the transition never occurred, it became us going out. i should have suspected something when he said to keep it a secret for now.. i just thought it would be weird because we have the same friends. so, since we went to the same school as well, we often met up for smoke breaks. i would grab any chance or opportunity i had. eventually, it all ended as quickly as it started, and because i played it too cool, i never had the chance to tell him how much i really liked him. (hey! i cried for three days and three nights!)
but you see, ever so often, this man would pop back up into my life, as though nothing happened, as though he never left and we would enjoy each other’s company. i was honest with him, he was honest with me, but we each would be with someone else at that point of time. and this popping back into my life would be so sudden, yet it feels so.. normal. but as sudden as he re-enters my life, as quickly he disappears. weird, huh? but whenever he appears he gives me butterflies in my stomach. i’ve analysed it, thoroughly, many times over i may add, and i attribute this butterfly fluttering to the fact that there never was closure. i mean, we happened and we ended. there was a beginning but there wasnt really an end. and i guess that’s why there’ll be fluttering.. plus he was the one that got away. i had my chance, but i didnt act on it.
and the most weird part is, he always know how to find me, irregardless of the fact that i changed numbers, somehow, somewhat he could always find me. it is so weird.
i’m not saying that i am in love with this man.. no no no.. just some fascination for the kind of relationship that i have with this man. is he my friend? well he cant be, cause i havent heard from him for a long time.. is he an ex? well, we never officially together. so what is he? i believe also that this fascination with my relationship with him was because he was the first boy that i really liked.. and a girl never forgets her first. =)
well, i know this for sure though, that one day when he pops back into my life, i’m gonna get some closure, i’m gonna tell him that i used to like him alot, and i want to put all that fleeting emotions to rest. that is, if, i ever see him again.
but for now, for now i’m gonna be enjoying that fleeting fluttering butterflies for abit, because it makes me feel 17 all over again.. because i could laugh at my foolishness then, of the little lies i would believe and the little lies i made.. how naive i was then, and how clueless i could be then. i’ve come a long way since then, i’ve changed, relationshipwise, physically, emotionally, intellectually, i’m not quite sure i’ve matured though, but it’s these memories, these feelings that i have, they make me remember where i had actually came from.
they made me remember the journey i made towards you, <3hairus.
xoxo,Shid.
